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Brad's morning edition
Check back with Omaha.com this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* A quick reminder: With the College World Series and U.S. Olympic Swim trials almost upon us, Thursday is the last day you can find a parking space downtown if you drive anything other than a unicycle.
* Tuesday is Omaha Mayor Jim Suttle’s birthday. In lieu of a gift, please send cash to help pay his property taxes.
* There was just a partial solar eclipse. It was caused by the enormous swimmer in front of Mutual of Omaha blocking the sun.
* NBC’s pre-race Saturday afternoon Belmont Stakes coverage featured dozens of people on horseback. It felt like a three-hour Deb Fischer campaign commercial.
* An anonymous bidder is paying $3.456 million to have lunch with Warren Buffett at a New York City restaurant. You know what you call a New York City lunch that cost $3.4 million? “About average.”
* The winning bidder wishes to remain anonymous. Sure, if they find out you can afford to drop $3.4 million on lunch, the student loan people may want their money.
* Who can afford that much for lunch? The winner must be either Carlos Slim or Mitt Romney.
* A family in Oskaloosa, Iowa discovered a 14,000-year-old wooly mammoth skeleton in their backyard. It was found after the cat dragged most of the mammoth into the living room.
* At first, the family just found an enormous bone. Based on the size, Iowa anthropologists reconstructed a Heroes Game trophy.
* Ancient debris has been found on the ocean floor one-mile-deep. Here’s what’s amazing to me - they can find centuries-old debris at the bottom of the ocean floor, yet Deffenbaugh keeps missing the yard waste I set by the curb.
* I thought I was watching footage of a team that just qualified for the College World Series. There was a huge dog pile, lots of jubilation and hugging. Turns out it was the Romney campaign advisers after President Obama said he thinks the private sector is doing “just fine.”
* Astrologers using charts are predicting that Obama will win the presidential election. Hey, this has to be more accurate than the Ouija board used to call the Nebraska Senate election.
* After being charged with a DUI, actress Amanda Bynes reached out to President Obama with a tweet. If I find out that Obama takes time to follow Amanda Bynes on Twitter, it’s gonna go a long way to explaining the shape this country is in.
* Obama responded that he’ll deal with Bynes’ legal issues after he finishes picking out the Olsen Twins’ outfits for the People’s Choice awards.
* On Saturday Obama addressed what some consider to be the most liberal group in the country. I believe it was the annual retreat of CNN reporters.
* Romney released his birth certificate showing his full name is Willard Mitt Romney. Willard. He’s attempting to become the first president whose first name evokes an image of a movie rat.
* A man in Uganda fathered 158 children. Statistically, this means he can look forward to two cards on Father’s Day.