Christmas shopping in an election year can be tricky.
So many stockings. So little time. So much coal.
Our democratic processes and cherished liberties define us as a people and as a country. They do, occasionally, lengthen the naughty list.
Most of that has to do with overzealous partisans not getting their way (winning).
Not all of it, however.
For example, although U.S. Senate candidates Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock lost their races, Santa more than likely will be adding an anthracite asterisk next to their names because their sketchy syntax revealed some frightening thinking.
Many others with hats in the ring will have to explain to the big guy in the red suit the endless parade of television ads and assorted mudslinging. (I hear Kringle, curiously, is very old school and lives without a DVR.)
You’re right, not everyone who ran for office resorted to knuckleheadedness and nimcompoopery. Some “nice” candidates conducted positive campaigns about ideas — although none come to mind just now.
Which reminds me: This year’s list has a subset, a conditional roster of goodies and stocking stuffers that will change depending on whether the bituminous-besmirched electeds drive us off the “fiscal cliff,” pointing fingers at each other during the forecasted descent.
We’ll start this year’s holiday gift there, with a Yuletide if/then statement. If we head over the metaphorical precipice, then check this list of who’s getting what (twice if you want):
>> Congress: a truckload of coal.
>> The president: see “Congress.”
>> Americans: parachutes and a soft landing.
>> Thelma Dickinson and Louise Sawyer: royalties for copyright infringement.
Also, if the fiscal cliff is as dire as some predict, perhaps we should be stuffing Mayan stockings with “How Could We Doubt You” cards.
Our annual Christmas list for the known and notable continues.
>> @pontifex: a Twitter following rivaling that of rock stars and NBA players.
>> Twinkies: a special place in the Museum of Extraordinary Shelf Life.
>> Lindsay Lohan: a couple lumps and a movie with Charlie Sheen.
>> Baby Royal: as quiet and private a life as possible.
>> Nebraska Legislature: Independence, mettle, moxie. Stocking stuffer — a welcome-back party for Ernie Chambers, T-shirt and original poetry required.
>> Husker Nation: a trip to Orlando.
>> Bo Pelini: blocking and tackling.
>> Americans in uniform: Safe harbor, safe travels, safe passage, safeness and soundness. Stocking stuffer — Thank you (size XL).
>> Facebook: a decaf section for rants.
>> PSY: something else to say (sing) after “Oppan Gangnam style” runs its course.
>> Doug McDermott: a sweet tastier than 16.
>> Nebraska State Fair: the first three years (regifting). Stocking stuffer — continued good weather.
>> Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen: music to play, stories to tell.
>> Rural Nebraskans: a farm bill and a fair hearing on all things pipeline.
>> Elected Nebraskans in Washington: a fierce, Nebraskan streak of independence.
>> The public debate: facts, science, logic, reason, passion, instinct and common sense.
>> Holiday revelers everywhere: perspective.
>> The earth: moisture.
>> The planet: peace.
>> The heart: the perfect place to start the planet’s gift.